two-faced janus

head down hood up

i cower from my own shadow

each corner, a decision with endings unknown

eyes bulging 

which way, no way, no way out

the fingers of fear tickling up my neck

grasp tight, twist, suffocate

the idea of failure has stolen my voice, my breath, my life 

with each day the marks of asphyxiation grow clearer 

thin and purple

poor things don’t even get the chance to yellow and heal

for the next day they’re fresh as ever

a broken girl 

a voiceless girl

haunted with the ghosts of gateways

creaking doors groaning of what could have been, and what will now never be

i am tired of being breathless

i want one gasp of fresh, cold air

i have tried to pry off the invisible, steel fingers 

no luck

no luck

only bad decisions

wrong doors

missed paths 

forgotten gateways.

once upon a dream

in another life, i knew love.

i basked in the glow of being adored by another human being,

only because i was filling the void my own self-hatred punctured in my heart.

that adoration was almost the perfect size to make me forget all the bad in the world,

but that small gap welcomed the evils into my being.

now, after that love has gone and stayed away,

i have vowed to myself to never again let someone so close to my heart,

this sacred promise seeks only to protect me.

but, in doing so, it isolates me from anything good or happy.

in the name of self-preservation, i have actually hurt myself more.

similar to the metamorphosis of a butterfly, I have changed.

once, a hopeless romantic with an utmost belief in soulmates,

someone who used the words “make love,”

someone who liked roses,

to the bitter woman who allocates only her bedtimes to a man’s presence,

someone who daydreams during sex, 

someone who hates roses.